Rambling

This is necessary for me every once in a while... I don't do it often, but I probably should. Since this is a personal blog and not a professional one, I guess I can write my "thoughts on pretty much everything," that including my moral doubts and cultural clashes.

Today I felt torn, and it happens usually, between my Colombian morally conservative self and my wanna-be-European liberal views. It's a constant contradiction, and I begin to wonder whether innocence is a way of living or a born-into trait. Are those who remain innocent to many of life's most hideous things staying in a house of crystal? Are those who have known the world and experienced too much, lost, forgetting their morality in the first place, finding pleasure in everyday occurrences? Do they have a meaning or do they just wonder the world, trying to find themselves and with each walking step getting even more lost? Do they know what they want? Does knowing more and experiencing more show you what you want, but what if you know it in the first place? Will you lose your grace? innocence? emotional beauty? purity?

I'm quite attracted to purity. I believe in pure words and pure feelings, black and white morality, which becomes grey when there is no doctrine but one's own to guide the way. Is the superficial life a good one? Can a deep person connect to a shallow one in a level more than physical? Is there anything more than aesthetics? Does thinking too much automatically depress you? Are those who are happy those who decide to live in a purely shallow level? No desire to grow mentally and emotionally... is adventure in our heads or our bodies? Should we be trying to find a balance?

Right now I am stuck, not quite able to find myself. I know I am Colombian, I think as such in many ways, judging people quite often, realizing that most are not even worth knowing. I am also friendly but aloof, ready to stop. I find promiscuity to be disguting and social classes an unavoidable reality. I find beauty in many things and I enjoy partying, but I am constantly trying to find meaning to everything I do. I realize partying, for people in a country so screwed up, with no particular dreams or hopes, the every day life is what keeps us so happy. It is the enjoyment of good stable friendships and the kindness of strangers.

I know I am American. Hard to admit, yet true. I am quite cynical and I see people for their skin colour, I am acceptant of every realigion and type of person yet mantain my purely skeptical view. I am sometimes closeminded as to what truly happens in the world. and most of all, I am quite naive.

I am not European. I thought I was. I thought I could have similar views, taste for culture, of seeing the world, of being open-minded, of speaking various languages and like people for who they are in spite color, race, class, nationality... I dont have a taste for the exotic. Europeans search exotiqueness and they find it often in less developed countries, whether it be in Asia, Africa or South America. I share their love for good food and good wine and traveling, that is for sure. But the fact that it is acceptabale to live like an adolecsent up until your mid thirties is depressing to me, as well as libertine way of looking at love and lust, the lack of passion, the lack of flavor.

That's what they come searching for here, let them find it.

Trying to find oneself is not an easy thing. Sometimes I wake up feeling exitentential, like today, and so I write, and I think, and I speak way too much. I am also good at appreciating my very perfect life. Purpose? Nobody knows it yet. Happiness? It's a way of living, not a destination. Moral grounds? Love is love, hate is hate, no betrayals, no lies, no misconceptions and no corruption. This is something I hope stays with me no matter where I go, no matter who I meet, no matter how much I live, I am never going to lose that small part of myself that I finally got to find. Happily, I feel much more mature and stable, much more of a complete person, than many who are older than me. Does age truly bring you wisdom or are those who are wise born with the trait., and those who enjoy swiming in ignorance doomed to drown in it?